Helping Sherise Face Many More Days

Sherise was beautiful, outgoing and athletic. But at the age of 10, she was also pushed to the brink.

“They call me names all day and make me feel like I don’t belong. It never stops.” Her pretty face dissolved in sobs. Then, the words I feared the most. “I can’t face another day. Those kids who committed suicide . . . that’s what I’m ready to do.”

We can spend many hours asking “Why?” But the better question is, “How?”

How can we prevent this situation from repeating itself anywhere with any child?

Sherise confided in me that, although she was black, because of her light skin, kids bullied her relentlessly for "being too white." This is yet one more example of biased-based bullying, which is rampant. 

With help from her school counselor now, Sherise seems to be weathering the storm. But so many other kids are lost in the grim hopelessness bullying can cause. According to the New York University Child Study Center, 50 percent of kids in the United States are bullied. The fact is, all kids lose when bullying takes place. Kids who bully “are more likely to end up incarcerated and are less likely to be steadily employed” by age 30, says the American Academy of Pediatrics. Bullying creates an atmosphere of fear and aggression and diminishes learning, but it nevertheless goes on in schools every day. The irony is that we know what it takes to prevent and decrease bullying.

Involving every adult in the school is crucial. Doing so can reduce bullying by 50 percent, according to research by anti-bullying expert, Dr. Dan Olweus. Making a comprehensive commitment means:

• Training all staff;
• Creating a school-wide anti-bullying team that includes kids;
• Assessing how much bullying actually goes on;
• Establishing clear, consistent rules and consequences against bullying;
• Never looking the other way when bullying takes place;
• Teaching and integrating lessons on respect, acceptance and anti-bullying throughout the year;
• Engaging kids with the themes of empathy and community-building;
• Making it easy and un-intimidating for kids to report bullying;
• Involving parents.

On the flip side, here’s what we know doesn’t work to prevent bullying:

• Ignoring the problem;
• Telling kids to figure it out themselves;
• Having one-time anti-bullying assemblies;
• Offering an occasional lesson on anti-bullying;
• Mediating bullying situations as though they were conflicts;

Creating an atmosphere of respect is fundamental.

“Respect is the absolute number one factor that determines the amount of bullying that goes in a school,” said Maurice Elias, director of the Social-Emotional Learning Lab at Rutgers University. When kids feel respected by their teachers, less bullying goes on, Elias explained. And when we listen to the voices of children and engage them in anti-bullying efforts throughout the year, we’ll shift the climate from cruel to kind.

I woke up today thinking about Sherise, hoping that her school’s after-the-fact interventions will continue to help. But it seems too little too late given all the damage that’s already been done. For all the Sherises out there who suffer in silence, may we do whatever it takes to prevent bullying so that no child ever again has to say, “I can’t face another day.”

Drew is an author and national workshop leader specializing in conflict resolution, peacemaking and anti-bullying.