Kenji's Dad(s)

One day, while sitting in my office, a parent stopped by and introduced himself.

“I’m Kenji’s dad,” he said.

I’d been working with Kenji for the past couple of months in a reading support group. He was an engaging student—quiet, reflective and intuitive. He was one of those students you loved teaching because he took the lessons to heart.

As a support teacher I didn't have many opportunities to interact with parents, so this was a treat. Kenji’s dad and I shook hands and engaged in a familiar conversation that occurs a thousand times each day in schools across the country. We talked about Kenji’s strengths and areas he should focus on.  

A few months later, I was frantically making handouts in the production room for my next group when a parent entered carrying a stack of papers. I’d seen him around the school several times and saw by his badge that he was volunteering for a third-grade teacher.

He asked my name, and then he said, “I just wanted to tell you how much Kenji has been enjoying your group. He talks about what he’s been learning with you all of the time.”

I thanked him. He continued, asking me if I had any information about an upcoming science night that I was helping plan. He worked at a local technology company and could provide resources for the night.

“Kenji loves reading about science at home,” he said.

For a second, I stared at the man. Something didn’t quite add up. Clearly he was related to Kenji in some way, but he didn’t look like the man whom I met earlier in the year. Perhaps he was an uncle, cousin or friend of the family?

He must have noticed my face, because then he added kindly, “Oh, I’m sorry, I don’t think we’ve formally met. I’m Kenji’s dad Ben…well, one of his dads.”

Light-bulb moment! Kenji had two dads.

My first honest reaction was surprise. Then, a second later, I was surprised at my surprise. Why should I be surprised? I am a gay man. This shouldn’t have come to surprise me at all. I knew plenty of gay couples with kids. Yet, Kenji’s family caught me off guard.

That moment showed me how powerful societal conditioning has been in my life. Even though mentally I know my students come from very diverse homes and diverse living situations, the mental framework of “mother-father” is still deeply engrained in my mind. It's the paradigm I subconsciously apply to all of my student's families, even though I know—better than most—that it is not accurate.

When I met Kenji’s dad, it took me a minute to switch gears. And if I—of all people—had to switch gears, what does that mean our same-sex couples and their children enrolled our schools are experiencing? It means our schools are underprepared to serve these families appropriately.

As I shook Ben’s hand, I realized how diligent and purposeful all of us must be in our work to make sure all families are included in school life. But more importantly, I need to consciously expand my family paradigm to make sure everyone is included.

What messages does your clasroom send to children of LGBT parents? Take this self-assessment, and find out!

Hiller is a mentor to first- and second-year teachers in Oregon and a member of the Teaching Tolerance Advisory Board.