Printer-friendly versionI decided to show a short You Tube video clip in class the other day. It’s a montage of scenes of men crying from various movies complete with cheesy background music, a song Don’t Cry Out Loud. I used it to open a discussion about how stereotypes put unnecessary limitations on people.
The initial reactions were mixed.
“I would tell those men to not be ashamed of crying because it’s better than keeping it in,” said one student. “If I saw … only women [crying,] I would be more used to it because I’ve seen women cry more than men.”
“I would tell them grown men don’t cry, [but] it’s okay to cry sometimes,” said another.
“It feels weird to watch grown up men cry because growing up you don’t see a man cry...,” chimed in another.
“When a man cries there has to be a reason why, a strong reason why a man should cry,” one student said.
A young man candidly admits, “I started laughing on the first clip. I think because it was unnatural to me. Maybe I couldn’t understand it so I expressed it through laughter.” His response is similar to what many of my students feel. He says, “If I was in the same room with any of these men I would try to make him stop crying. If they were women instead of men in the video, I don’t think I would laugh.”
This kind of double standard hurts men and women, I explained to my class, adding that sexism is not just about women being treated as if they are inferior to men. It’s about limitations put on both sexes. Men have to stifle their feelings and act tough, while women’s tears lose value. As one young woman stated, “If there was a woman crying I guess that wouldn’t be as sad.”
The emotional life of men came prominently into my curriculum as I introduced Sherman Alexie’s debut young adult novel, The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian. It’s the story of Junior, a teen boy who is bullied on his Indian reservation for being small and smart. He’s also bullied at the white school he attends for being Indian. His character is a self-described crier. Despite Junior’s sensitive nature, my students love him and can’t wait to read the next chapter of his travails.
Another reason for tackling the topic is Francisco. He’s cried four times in my class in the last month. Apart from these incidents, I can’t think of a time I’ve seen a young man cry in the context of a regular class period. Francisco cries when he suffers stage fright. He cries when he gets the answer wrong. He cries when he thinks I am telling him he is wrong. I have seen him put his head down on his desk for a full 20 minutes and weep in silence only to sit up again, red-faced, wet-desked, after the class has left. I teach high school, and usually by this age it is so engrained in boys that they do not cry.
Francisco’s peers are not used to his tears either, so they respond as expected. Bullying. Teasing. Alienation.
I thought that if I could get my class to empathize and even accept our crying protagonist Junior, then maybe they could do the same for their classmates like Francisco.
Of course, I worried that even bringing up this topic would upset Francisco and leave him in tears, but I hoped the benefits would outweigh the discomfort. I began by asking students to write about a time they heard someone use a sexist joke or a time they were the victim of a sexist joke. A prompt like this usually guarantees generative writing, but Francisco left his page blank. He insisted he had nothing to write. However, at the end of class he wrote this in response to the clips we watched, “It feels very sad and emotional to see men cry. It is very natural for grown men to cry. What I would say to any of those men is that it’s okay, just let it out, there is nothing to be ashamed about.”
At least on paper, Francisco is already a liberated 14-year-old boy. He knows he should be respected for who he is, tears and all. The rest of us just need to catch up to him.
Thomas is an English teacher in California.
Comments
Thank you for this Blog. I'm
Thank you for this Blog. I'm glad that you had the courage to develop and teach your lesson about men who cry.
Your Blog and our personal conversations about this lesson have forced me to think critically about the way I coach lacrosse. I realize that I treat young men much different than I treat young woman on the field. If a young woman were to cry due to frustration or an injury, I have said things like, "Go walk it off, " or "Go take and minute and come back when you're ready." However, with young men, I typically say things like, "Shake it off," or "Is it bleeding? No? Then, get up and keep playing."
As a female athlete, I was certainly taught that there is no room for crying on the field, even if you're injured. But, I have found the coaches are more willing to give female athletes more time to "calm down." Male athlete are often made fun of for being "weak" or "sissies" if they allow things to get to them on the field. It's certainly a double standard and one that is carried OFF of the field into other aspects of life.
On the other hand, I have seen many men cry after hard-fought wins and/or crushing losses. This seems to be accepted by our society, and I often wonder why....
Thank you for challenging my thinking!
Thank you for this article.
Thank you for this article. I noticed a word omission: "...would upset Francisco and leave him tears".
I'm now using Page2RSS to follow http://www.tolerance.org/author/jill-e-thomas in my Google Reader, in case that interests you or any of your readers.
I enjoyed this article
I enjoyed this article because it is very important to boys to see men cry because there is a stereotype that men do not cry and they really do. It is good to cry and it is not a sign of weakness, as opposed to the popular belief. I have seen my father who is the strongest man I have ever met break down and cry. It does take a lot but it does happen and he was more embarrassed to have been caught than he was relieved after letting his emotions out by crying. Where as my mother cries over everything and everyone. So when she cries she often is in a better mood afterwards as if a great weight was just lifted off of her. Guys should not be so bullied against crying and they may be less stressed and more happy.
I agree with the information
I agree with the information and points brought up in this article. When a child is born they are expected to act a certain way depending on whether they are a girl or a boy. One of those certain ways is that girls cry and boys do not. Many parents especially fathers will tell their little boy to grow up and stop crying but to their little girl they would say come here and give me a hug. Also most men that I know would not cry because they think it makes them look weak. They think that not crying means they are strong. I think that a man who knows when he need to express his emotions is superior to a man who thinks he is too tough to express his emotions. I feel that there is a lot of pressure placed on boys to grow up and be tough before some of them may be ready to grow to that level of maturity. I think all children should be treated the same when they cry so they grow up and accept that everyone cries. Adults would then realize and accept that crying is a human emotion and action not just a woman’s.
I think the reactions of the
I think the reactions of the children in this article are spot on with what this country thinks about men crying and the expectations we have as Americans for men. Some people see nothing wrong with men crying, others think it makes men more feminine and that it is not okay. I see nothing wrong with men crying and I think it is perfectly normal. When my brother died, I saw my brother’s friend’s cry, and my father and uncles and other male members of my family cry. One time my husband cried because he thought I was going to leave him. I don’t think men should get picked on for crying because it is a form of speech and expression. This is a protected right in this nation, so to bash someone that is of the male sex for crying is just wrong. I think more men need to cry and get out what they are really feeling. I think more men would cry if there wasn’t such a stigma that went along with it.
I like this article, mostly
I like this article, mostly because the article talks about sexism and it is important to explain to students why sexsism can be hurtful to people. I feel like all teachers should use the same strategy that is explained here, and see what is the reaction of the students. I think that is a espected reaction since society teaches us that men cannot cry, while a woman con do so because she is sensitive. Adults need to set the example, and let others understand that it is ok to cry, and that they should not judge each other.
I really liked this article
I really liked this article because it explained that it's okay for boys and men to cry. This shouldn't mean that they'll get picked on and bullied but that they're not afriad to show emotions. They should be proud of who they are and not have to worry about what the outcome may be. It's a good thing for younger boys to see older boys and men cry, that will also prompt them not to be scared.
I love the fact that you
I love the fact that you brought to your lesson that it’s okay for boys to cry. There are so many people who believe that crying isn’t for boys, it’s only for girls. I always wonder why people feel like that. Men have feelings just like women do; men are human just like women are. Why shouldn’t men cry like how women cry?
I really enjoyed this
I really enjoyed this article. Most kids think it is weird or wrong for boys to cry. I feel like people do feel like it is less of a big deal when a women cries because that is what our culture has made us believe. Kids need to know that it's ok to cry and you should never hide your emotions because you are afraid of what other kids think of it.
So happy to read this. I just
So happy to read this. I just had a parent conference with my 10 year old son's principal, two teachers and school social worker. My son is being bullied by six kids in his class. I was basically told at the conference that my son has brought this on himself and set himself up to be picked on over the last few years because he cries. Since he let the the kids see them cry, they know they can get to him so it's his fault. I was told my son needs to toughen up because we live in a society where it is not acceptable for boys to cry.
I am so sorry that the
I am so sorry that the professionals at your son's school acted so unprofessionally! How do we raise our sons to be sensitive without making them targets?