Printer-friendly versionThe morning of the 10th anniversary of 9/11, I logged in to Facebook as I do most weekend mornings to see the status updates of 200 or so acquaintances. Many had posted links to news articles and patriotic photos or comments about their memory of that day in 2001. I was not prepared, however, to read a blatantly xenophobic post by someone I had gone to high school with. He called for the extermination of Islam and the strategic bombing of all countries in the Middle East.
My first instinct was to “unfriend” him. Why clutter my newsfeed with outrageously ignorant comments like these? Then I thought of my students. If one of them had said something similar in class or written it in an assignment, I would have dropped everything and grabbed hold of the teaching moment. I would have taken the time to probe at their reasoning and unpack the hatred. To ignore it would have been to condone it.
As much I wanted to simply unfriend this person I have not seen in 15 years and move on with my Sunday morning, I replied in as few words as possible. “I am extremely offended by your post,” I wrote. I hoped he would rethink his opinion or ask me why he had offended me so we could talk about it. Instead, he emailed me privately that he was sorry to offend me. He didn’t remove his post, just my response to it.
But in a few hours, several of his other acquaintances posted similar messages in response, asking him not to spew hateful messages. By day’s end, he deleted his post.
The trouble is, I don’t know if he still carries the original emotion that fueled him to write such an inflammatory message. He knows now that it is not publicly appropriate. Was it enough? This is really no different than when a student makes a misogynistic or homophobic comment within earshot, notices I’m there and says, “Oops. Sorry, I didn’t see you, Ms. Thomas.” In their mind, it’s only a problem if the perpetrator of hatred is caught.
Now I’m left wondering where my high school pal and I diverged. We grew up in the same suburban town. We attended the same high school. We had some of the same teachers, who had the chance to teach us to be tolerant and understanding. If teachers have the power to mold minds or change the thinking of their students, why didn’t this work on my “friend”? Did it work on me? Do the beliefs of our family of origin outweigh anything we might learn during our formal education? I suppose if this were true, I would be a happy meat-eating, pro-life Catholic. I’m not.
Perhaps most baffling to me is that this “friend” has a dark complexion and a name which could be mistaken as Middle Eastern. Could he have suffered from the backlash of racial profiling after 9/11? Did he feel eyes on him at the airport? Did someone swear at him as he walked down the street? Is that what fueled his misplaced hatred toward all of the Middle East and to the world’s second-most popular religion?
I may never know what he experienced on 9/11 or in the aftermath. I wish I knew what he is thinking; if he felt true regret, or just embarrassment at having been challenged in public. But I won’t be able to find out because instead of working through the discomfort, he unfriended me the other day. Had I not been writing this piece, I might not have noticed. In the world of Facebook, the polite thing seems to be to delete rather than discuss. If only it were so easy to eliminate hate.
Thomas is an English teacher in California.
Comments
Good call on responding to
Good call on responding to the post. While at this point in his life he may not change his point of view by an old schoolmate's sentence, the fact is that probably hundreds of people saw that post and the following comments. By responding, you are not just expressing your views to him but to everybody who watches his feed. Your comment could very likely have fueled the others to post similar remarks.
As you stated, I think these ideas can be transferred to the classroom as well. Of course we want to teach tolerance to the students who may appear to be most intolerable. However through working with these individuals, we are also working with the entire class. We are role models, we engage discussion, and we provide alternatives to hate and fear, we do this to all the students in the school whether it is through direct communication or not.
Once again, I commend you on your response. I hope given the same opportunity I will choose to do the same.
While we do the best we can
While we do the best we can and I don't know that I would have responded with even half as much of your poise had it been me, it seems to me from the hindsight of reading your blog post, that stating that you were extremely offended may not have been the best way to engage your "friend" in conversation. It's a conclusion rather than a question, and thus lets him off the hook in terms of having to respond. Perhaps it would have been more effective to say "What makes you say that?" A question would have been more invitational and people generally feel obligated to answer questions.
Again, this is not in any way intended to be a criticism. I don't know what I would have done had I been in your shoes (other than to freak out). I'm just considering - if the goal is to make this a "teachable moment" - of possible ways to increase the chances of dialogue. Thank you for the thoughtful post.
Shaktinah, thanks for your
Shaktinah, thanks for your response. I think you are write that perhaps asking a question would have prompted an answer. I found that by stating my feelings I kept myself from making a judgmental comment about him.
Thomas, I feel that you did
Thomas, I feel that you did the right thing when you approached your old classmate that way. The statement you posted to him was few words but with lots of meaning. You weren't in any way rude or angered and that had to make him take notice. I am sorry that you are not friends with this person anymore but that was not by your choice,it is he that lost out. Thank you for this story because it touched my heart in a way that you will never know.
Jill, thank you for sharing
Jill, thank you for sharing your post. FB and other social networking has added an interesting element to our relationships and I've had something similar happen to me. I'm glad you responded to him and didn't just "defriend" him. You make me proud as a friend and former colleague!
Dear Ms. Thomas, This post is
Dear Ms. Thomas,
This post is very timely for me. Last week, in my Digital Journalism class, we did a lesson on the power of social networking sites. We investigated the use of Twitter and Facebook during the revolution in Egypt. During this lesson, I found out that MANY of my students use Facebook as a "news source." Through people's posts, they find out what's going on in the world. I wonder what a naive student would think if they saw a post like the one your old friend posted. Would they take it as truth? Would they have the courage to stand up against it, like you did, if they disagreed? I don't know....
We also discussed how social networking sites turn news into a DIALOGUE (instead of a monologue). Your friend, as awful as his post was, sparked dialogue. And, I think it's tragic that he "unfriended" you. It's the moments of tension in our lives that can force us to look critically at who we are and what we think. I think your friend (and perhaps his beliefs) were shaken by the negative feedback he comment generated. The hope is that those comments made him think -- maybe change.
At the end of the lesson in Digital Journalism, I encouraged my students to use Facebook as more of a place to experiment with identity and ideas than a place of superficiality... My hope is that they begin to post status updates that ignite dialogue---
Thank you for your post!
Sincerely,
Ms. EMO
Unfortunately, unfriending is
Unfortunately, unfriending is the easiest way out. Thanks for bringing this up. It should be discussed.
As a middle school teacher, I
As a middle school teacher, I am Facebook friends with many of my current and past students, many of whom are adults with families of their own, as well as with former classmates from a variety of places. Since I've been in education for over 31 years this covers quiet an age span. I frequently have the opportunity to respond to posts that are of a negative nature, and, time permitting, I almost always do. Sometimes I choose to do so publically if I feel that I can make an impact on a larger audience that way. Other times, I use a private message, always probing what the student was feeling. I have many interesting interchanges this way, and have often helped a student to see a different side of things. Some great discussions have ensued both privately and in my circle of friends. I find that by chossing my words carefully and backing up my statements with facts, I often help a person to see the world a little differently, and perhaps to bring a little more peace to my circle. While enlightenment has not always been the outcome, many unkind posts and negative ones have been removed once the student realized the many reasons that it was not only unfair but unwise to post.
An adult friend might need to be handled with extra tact, but I do feel that confronting the injustice or biased statement and countering with facts the individual might not be aware of is a good choice of action and it certainly helps me to sleep more soundly!