This New York Times story seems designed to generate outrage. According to the reporter, a growing number of educators are actively discouraging kids from becoming best friends.
Most children naturally seek close friends. In a survey of nearly 3,000 Americans ages 8 to 24 conducted last year by Harris Interactive, 94 percent said they had at least one close friend. But the classic best-friend bond—the two special pals who share secrets and exploits, who gravitate to each other on the playground and who head out the door together every day after school—signals potential trouble for school officials intent on discouraging anything that hints of exclusivity, in part because of concerns about cliques and bullying.
“I think it is kids’ preference to pair up and have that one best friend. As adults—teachers and counselors—we try to encourage them not to do that,” said Christine Laycob, director of counseling at Mary Institute and St. Louis Country Day School in St. Louis. “We try to talk to kids and work with them to get them to have big groups of friends and not be so possessive about friends.”
Schools have better things to do than meddle in the social lives of children. Bullying is obviously bad, and fans of this blog know that Teaching Tolerance has long offered lessons for teachers and tips for students on the subject. And our Mix It Up program urges students to reach beyond their immediate circle of friends. But allowing peer interaction—including acceptance and rejection—is also important.
It would be far better for schools take an instructive approach that simply gives the kids the tools they need to make friends. How do you start a conversation with someone new? How do you give and receive a compliment? How do you express your feelings so that you get your needs met? What can you do to resolve a disagreement with a friend? In other words, give the socially awkward what they lack. I’ve yet to meet someone with great friendship skills that didn’t have a lot of friends, including one or two BFFs.
Schools should also recognize that students make friendships based on their own level of comfort and social preference. A shy student may not feel comfortable talking in a large peer group, but she may find the courage and comfort she needs to open up in a more intimate one-to-one setting. A student who struggles with trust issues or instability in the home may find solace and support with that one special friend. How can adult intrusion into these relationships possibly benefit the children?
Obviously, some friendships can be destructive. Someone who manipulates “friends” into harmful behavior is no friend. Parents and teachers naturally should be on the lookout for this. But schools should not be routinely dictating to students who they can socialize with and how. That does a disservice to children and shows great disrespect for their social and emotional diversity.
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I once stood on a hill my arm
I once stood on a hill my arm upraised and ordered the sun to stop. The lengthening shadows mocked me and my arm got tired.
Long long after a teacher's lessons are forgotten the BFF I learned them with will be firmly held in mind and heart
I met my best friend when we
I met my best friend when we were only 15 years old. I am now almost 50 and I truly do not think I would have survived all this time without her in my life. I believe she would say the same about me. Everyone needs lots of friends and everyone needs a best friend. That someone who knows the good the bad and the ugly about you and loves you anyway.
There are three of us. two
There are three of us. two born in the same hospital 4 days apart, 1 on a different side of town. We met when we were 5. birthdays 1st 4th and 8th of the same month, three blocks apart as children. Going on 51 years, and while separated from one for 25 years, we are now back as tight as ever at the ripe young age of 56. I can't imagine life without them, the things we did, shared, in and out of each others houses, learning how to be whatever, sharing secrets, sleepovers, parents, siblings. I can't imagine life with out them. If a teacher tried to keep us apart- not their business. Then they would have had to keep the brothers apart too. no, we five are forever.
I am troubled when I hear
I am troubled when I hear teachers tell a parent that their child is not making good choices about friends. Their intentions are good, but this doesn't seem right. I would appreciate hearing what others think about this.
Isn't that taking on the job
Isn't that taking on the job of the parent? This says that you as a parent cannot be trusted to teach your children right from wrong, how to tell if their friend has bully potential? How can they make a judgement. They are teachers, not your child's parent. Do they teach them by example the things a parent would? No. They teach them how to expand their minds, but they cannot teach them your values? That is not what they ared paid for.
I worry that one person's
I worry that one person's comment is being blown into something it was not intended to be. I am an elementary teacher and I know the type of possessive friendships described. I know that most teachers have only the best intentions at heart and know each student individually. I can say with confidence that most of the students I have had the pleasure of teaching are wonderful at making friends including "best friends", but children who restrict their "best friends" from making other friends creates problems within the friendship that often needs adult intervention. I don not believe that every friendship should be monitored, but careful, intuitive teachers know when their assistance may be needed and how to help students be more inclusive and understanding in their developing relationships.
I met my best friend when we
I met my best friend when we were only 20 years old.I am troubled when I hear teachers tell a parent that their child is not making good choices about friends.I don not believe that every friendship should be monitored, but careful, intuitive teachers know when their assistance may be needed and how to help students be more inclusive and understanding in their developing relationships.
This seems like an
This seems like an unnecessary attempt to turn people into a collective unit.
I must say that there are potentials that this would do good but at the same time potentials for bad. Obviously nobody can determine exactly what will happen to each student and add up the total, so there is no point wasting their time with this.