Printer-friendly versionEditor's Note: This month, Teaching Tolerance launches a new series of lessons about Gender Expression for early grades. This week's featured lesson can be found here.
For two years I taught preschool to a diverse group of energetic children. Every morning one boy would enter the classroom, throw down his stuff, run over to the dress-up corner and slip into a shimmery polyester wedding gown.
His enthusiasm for the loveliness of this dress was unabashed. Wearing it made him happy. He wore it when building in the block area and during dramatic play. He wore it while reading books and eating breakfast. Sometimes he would playfully roll around on the table singing, "Hit me, baby. one more time." I once said to him, "OK Britney, time to get off the table," to which he ecstatically replied, "I'm Britney?"
None of the other children in the class seemed to give a second thought to his wardrobe choice, except, of course, to point out that they would like to wear the dress sometimes and that he really should share. Otherwise, it was a nonissue. We, his teachers, didn't make a big deal out of it either.
One year for Christmas, Toys R Us offered to donate a gift to every child in our class. Each student read through the wish list catalog and chose an item. This little boy circled a Barbie doll. It was all he wanted. He had asked his parents for one, but they said no. Knowing that his parents would have concerns, we gently tried to offer up other items, but he held firm. This was all he wanted.
What should we do?
We decided that we would put his order in exactly as he requested. The day the Barbie arrived in school, he was grinning from ear to ear. He ripped away the paper and gently removed Barbie from the cardboard box. He spent the rest of the day holding her, playing with her and loving her.
The next day when he came to school, he did not run in to get the wedding dress. He was not smiling his normally infectious smile. He was sad. "Mommy threw my Barbie in the garbage," he said.
He even wrote a song about it that went something like this: "I got Barbie. I love Barbie. Mommy threw Barbie away."
That day his mom scheduled a meeting with us to find out what prompted his teachers to order her son a Barbie doll. Our explanations were met with opposition. She didn't want her son growing up to be gay. Period. Why couldn't we get him an action figure instead? Barbie was unacceptable. What was wrong with us?
Eleven years have passed since this incident, but it is something that sticks with me, especially in light of some recent posts that touch on similar issues (you can read them here and here. I'd like to think that a boy can play with a Barbie and wear a wedding dress nowadays without his parents flipping out.
Granted, it may be a lot to swallow, but isn't love and acceptance better than teaching shame?
Wellbrock is an early elementary teacher working with both deaf and hearing students in New York City.
Comments
You were right to let the boy
You were right to let the boy pick the doll. It`s the parents that were wrong. They were being inconsiderate and stupid. It`s perfectly fine to like the same toys that different genders like and it`s ok to be gay.
Trying to work with parents
Trying to work with parents isn't always easy, especially when there are divergent beliefs. One thing that helps is to clarify with parents the type of classroom their child is in: one where we believe diversity isn't just okay but important for learning about the world; one where we build a community based on acceptance and kindness, rather than intolerance and hostility; one where we try to meet the needs of every child.
Had his teachers forbade him to order the Barbie, what message would that send to other children? Certainly not a peaceable, loving one. Kudos to them, a decade ago! Let's hope things really have changed.
I too agree you did the
I too agree you did the absolute right thing. I am a 46year Gay man and when I was young I was extremely lucky to have a maternal grandmother who saw nothing wrong with hose & garters with heel & a lovely purse for my cap guns, topped off by a cowboy hat. Today, I am a semi-balanced masculine male who is quite comfortable with my Leather man lifestyle, drag is drag just depends how you look at it.Because deep down I am still a little boy.
You were right to let him
You were right to let him pick the gift he wanted. Barbie and GI Joe are both dolls, so what he wanted Barbie. The point is he was happy and his parents...for shame. Someone does not just decide to be gay; it is how some people are born. There is nothing wrong with being yourself. Does someone choose to be heterosexual? And just think, if choosing to be homosexual how strong an individual must be to overcome all the hardship that is create by others ignorance and intolerance. Again, we do not choose our sexuality; just be strong enough to be yourself.
The fact that a little boy
The fact that a little boy would rather play with a toy that has been labeled by society as a “girl toy” has nothing to do with his sexual preference. There appears to be a subgroup of people who unfortunately confuse being gay with have “gender identify issues”. Just because someone prefers something that society has not labeled “gender appropriate” does not mean that that someone has a predisposition to be gay. Rather it just means that they have different preferences than what society as deemed as “normal.”
And, now let’s talk gender roles … Just because a little boy wants to play with a dolly does not mean he will one day be a fierce drag queen or have a “gender identity crisis.”
Some drag queens would never dare to enter a same sex relationship and the same can be said for some drag kings. Some girls/boys like both full face days/lipstick days and natural days. Gender is much more fluid than this narrow path some seem to be trying to pigeon hole it into.
Some of the most beautifully androgynous persons that I know do not in any way fit into the roll of manly woman or womanly man. Appearances can be deceiving and what goes on behind closed doors is really no one else’s business.