Notes of Apology Offer Platform for Change

This past February, our school abandoned the traditional Valentine’s Day love note exchange, opting instead to encourage school-wide participation in a new activity we called the “Valentine’s Day Apology Note Project.”  

Initially suggested by a member of our anti-bullying group “School Climate Control,” the “Apology Note Project” was designed to give students an anonymous, but public, opportunity to take responsibility for any hurt they may have caused. We hoped that the act of taking responsibility would benefit our community and contribute to improving our school’s social climate.

As a student-directed action coalition that focuses on standing against bullying and discrimination, our group is committed to facilitating student action through dialogue-driven projects. The “Apology Note Project” [2] worked to cross traditional club boundaries, generate conversation about bullying and discrimination, and provide opportunities for students to share insights and suggestions for improvement.

The week before Valentine’s Day, we invited students to write anonymous apologies. At tables in the cafeteria during lunch periods, students were provided with pen and paper. They placed their apology notes in a box. We collected hundreds of notes over a five-day period.

After school on Feb. 13, we hung hundreds of notes on the cafeteria walls for the entire school community to read. The display remained for two weeks. The extent of student participation completely exceeded our expectations. Students took the challenge seriously and responded with sincerity. Many students expressed regret for their actions and apologized for hurting fellow students physically and psychologically, neglecting their friends and cheating on exams. Many commented on experiences with bullying and exclusion. Some apologized for events that were clearly personal and not related to school. One in particular read: “I’m sorry I haven’t visited the cemetery.” Students returned to the display to re-read the notes. Some discussed them with friends. Many students posted new notes of apology and responses to those already posted.

The project took on a life of its own.

Initially, teachers doubted that the project would provoke a positive response. However, after watching students read the notes, share their own experiences and find common ground with the writers, faculty and administrators began to realize the project’s impact. 

The “Apology Note Project” signaled to students that it was acceptable and healthy to share accounts as perpetrators of hurtful actions. Often, in activities that encourage the “victims” to speak, it can be difficult for perpetrators to be vulnerable and to identify themselves publicly. Unlike these activities, the “Apology Note Project” amplified the voices of students who were ready to acknowledge the hurt they may have caused to those around them. Conversations about the notes and the courage it took to participate in the project ensued. The project helped to shift our school community’s perspective, making our school a place where individuals can actively take responsibility, individually and collectively, to acknowledge wrong, and take the next step to make it right.

Dialogue is the first step to acknowledging and identifying difficult issues such as bullying and discrimination. Acknowledgment can encourage awareness and provoke change. While it may be a challenging and daunting task, the simple act of apologizing, as hundreds of students did during this project, can inspire community-wide reflection. Our project gave students a chance to be active “upstanders” for a supportive, safe community.

Tess Domb Sadof is a recent graduate of Amherst Regional High School in Massachusetts. She and three peers started the social climate-centered project.