'Everybody's Different, But Everybody's OK'

Anne and Bill Ira of Kansas City, Mo., are the proud adoptive parents of a 2-year-old son, Samuel, who is biracial. Though Samuel has not yet begun to ask questions or make comments about differences, the Iras, who are white, believe exposing him to diversity and teaching him to value all people are important parts of their parental responsibilities. That principle has guided many decisions in the Ira household.

"We have chosen to attend a very diverse church, one that is all-accepting and where gays and lesbians are welcomed," Anne says. "We also try to expose Sam to a variety of cultures and people in the storybooks we have in our home."

Anne says when she and Bill decided to adopt a child, they made themselves open to any race or ethnicity. "My husband and I both are strong in self-esteem and respect for other people. I think we believed that we would pass that on to our child, no matter the race."

As one of many efforts to reinforce Sam's self-esteem and expose him to his own culture, Anne says the family often visits a local African American church.

Though Anne and Bill stress the importance of respect for diversity in their home, they do know there might be some who don't share that philosophy. Anne says a recent trip to a coffee shop reminded her of that point.

"There was a teenage boy sitting down on a park bench. He saw me with Sam, and he glared at me as if there was something wrong. It made me feel very uncomfortable," she says. "I don't think Sam noticed, but it reminded me that there will be times when he will be made to feel uncomfortable because he is biracial, and that we might not always have a good grasp of what he's going to go through. It's something we'll learn as we go along."

Anne says it's never too early for parents to help kids learn to appreciate difference.

"I think starting at very early ages, it is important to begin talking to kids about how everyone is different and exposing kids to different people, people in wheelchairs, people of different socioeconomic backgrounds, people of different races," Anne says. "In doing that, we want to show Sam that yes, everybody's different, but everybody's OK, too."

'I Want to Wear My Hair Blond'

Dawn Wallace of Killeen, Texas, is the mother of three children, including daughters Christina, 2, and Courtney, 7. Dawn, who is African American, says she and her husband, who is Asian Pacific Islander, are very sensitive to questions their children ask about difference.

"It hasn't happened so much with Christina yet, but when Courtney was about 5, she would come home and tell me she wanted to wear her hair 'blond,'" Dawn says. "I didn't understand what she meant at first, but then I figured out that she was associating blond hair with wearing hair down or loose."

Dawn says she explained to Christina about the different textures and types of hair and talked to her about the nice things about having naturally curly hair.

"You think kids don't notice these things and that they don't matter, but [kids] know when they see someone who doesn't look like them or who has different features," she says. "I guess it's natural to have questions like that when you are growing up and learning about other people in the world. I've just tried to answer whatever she asks me; I would rather her hear the answers from me than learn things from other people or on TV."

Explaining that it isn't right to judge people based on their appearance is just as important as answering her daughter's questions, Dawn says. "I tell her that you can't ever judge a person based on how they look; you have to judge people by their character."

Aside from questions about race, skin color and hair texture, Dawn says that when Courtney attended preschool, she began to form a strong opinion about what boys and girls were "supposed" to do.

"She took gymnastics," she says. "When she saw some boys in the gymnastics class, she stared and told me she didn't know boys could do gymnastics because it was for girls."

Dawn says she explained to Courtney that gymnastics is a sport open to anyone who likes to jump, flip and tumble. "I've always told her that girls can do everything. I guess I needed to let her know that boys and girls can do everything."

'She Just Knows She's Different'

Alissa Hill, a 38-year old sexual assault case manager in San Antonio, Texas, is the mother of two daughters. The Hills, who identify as African American, live in a largely Latino and white area of San Antonio. In fact, one of the daughters, 5-year-old Alexa, is the only African American child in her preschool class. That, Alissa says, has led to many thought-provoking conversations.

"Soon after she started going to her preschool, she would come home every day and say things like, 'Mom, why am I darker than the other kids?'" Alissa says. "This was new to me, because in Illinois where we lived before, Alexa was able to identify with people who looked like her. I think this was the first time she had to experience being the only one."

Alissa says she was careful to answer Alexa's questions in a positive way, highlighting the good things about being different.

"I told her, 'God makes all types of different people, and all of us are very special. There will be many times when you'll be different from other people around you - you might be the only girl playing with the boys or you might be the only kid around who likes to eat a certain food,'" Alissa says. "I let her know there's nothing wrong with being different, and it doesn't make you any better than or less than the next person."

Alissa says she doesn't believe Alexa has ever been made to feel isolated as the only African American girl in her class. "She just knows she's different," she says. Alissa, the daughter of a Korean mother and African American father, recalls experiencing similar feelings during her own childhood.

"It was hard for me growing up as part of two different minority races," she said. "Sometimes, even when I was as young as Alexa ... I felt embarrassed about my mother, because she didn't look like or speak like anyone else at my school. I didn't want people to see she was my mother because I thought they would laugh at me."

That experience, Alissa says, has influenced the way she talks to her children about diversity.

"I never want my children to be ashamed of what they look like or where they come from," she explains. So when her daughters ask questions - "Why am I darker?" or "Why do I look different?" - Alissa provides both an answer and an affirmation. "I explain why being darker and different is beautiful and something they should be proud of."

Parenting, preschoolers and prejudice

Derald Wing Sue, professor of psychology and education at Teachers College, Columbia University; and Melanie Killen, professor of human development at the University of Maryland, answer questions about parenting, preschoolers and prejudice.

What behaviors can parents expect to see with regard to preschoolers and their awareness of difference?

Sue: We know children begin to notice racial and ethnic differences in particular between the ages of 3 and 5. This brings about a naive curiosity that isn't yet linked to any positive or negative qualities about different groups of people. What happens after that is that positive and negative qualities do come into the picture, conveyed to children through their parents, significant others and the mass media.

Killen: Generally, kids become aware of gender very early. They are starting to notice what they are and [what] other people are and whether they should be treated differently. Initially, this is based mostly on physical appearance, as they are learning what marks you for being a boy or girl. They might ask, "Is she a girl? She has short hair." Or, "Is he a boy? He's playing with a doll."

Then, later, around 4, race begins to come up, when kids become curious about things like skin color. A lot of times, this is more of an issue for white majority kids who might not be coming into contact with people of color that much where they are, so for them, it's more unusual. It's very common for them to ask parents questions in public like, "Why is her skin brown?"

It's not quite the same for minority kids - it's not the same shock because they see people from the majority population all the time. Mostly, they aren't remarking or asking questions about it in public as much, but they do start to pick up on preferential treatment based on race and ethnicity around this time.

What are some common mistakes or missteps that parents make when teaching preschoolers about difference or responding to preschoolers´ questions about difference?

Sue: Many parents talk to their children about embracing difference, but in subtle, covert ways, they communicate something very different. For example, when approaching a group of black youngsters, a mother may unconsciously pull the child nearer to her. Also, many white parents often talk to kids about the evils of prejudice and discrimination, yet in their owns lives they have few friends or neighbors of color with whom they regularly socialize. These implicit communications are more powerful than any intentional efforts on the part of parents.

Killen: Parents sometimes get overly embarrassed or self-defensive [with] kids' questions about difference, especially when those questions are asked in a public way. Parents should ... treat them as honest inquiries, explain it to them like a scientific question and try not to see them as a bad thing, because these questions are very natural. If a child asks a question about someone's brown skin and the parent gets defensive or embarrassed or tries to brush the question aside, that child starts to associate that and think, "Is there something bad about brown skin?"

Parents of preschoolers seem to be well-informed about things like choosing a safe booster seat for the car or the importance of getting their youngsters to eat the proper foods. How can parents become better informed about the importance of fostering an early appreciation for diversity?

Sue: For parents who want children to be good, decent and moral individuals who believe in our democracy, the time for intervention is early. Whether we are talking about race, gender or any kind of differences, no matter what words you use, inclusion has to be a part of the conversation early on.

Killen: A lot of parents seem to think that teaching kids to appreciate difference is something that's nice if you do it, but then it doesn't really matter if you don't do it.

I think the No. 1 thing is to connect it to academic achievement, to make the connection for parents that kids who are better prepared to get along with others are going to do better in school. It's important that kids learn how to get along because they will have to interact with different groups of people in school, and if not school, then ultimately in the workplace one day.

Principles to remember with children ages 6-12

1. Be honest. Don't encourage children not to "see" color or tell children we are all the same. Rather, discuss differences openly and highlight diversity by choosing picture books, toys, games and videos that feature diverse characters in positive, non-stereotypical roles.


2. Embrace curiosity. Be careful not to ignore or discourage your youngster's questions about differences among people, even if the questions make you uncomfortable. Not being open to such questions sends the message that difference is negative.


3. Broaden choices. Be careful not to promote stereotypical gender roles, suggesting that there are certain games, sports or activities that only girls can do or only boys can do.


4. Foster pride. Talk to your child about your family heritage to encourage self-knowledge and a positive self-concept.


5. Lead by example. Widen your circle of friends and acquaintances to include people from different backgrounds, cultures and experiences.