'Black People Look Tough'

Margaret and Jim are the parents of two children, including 6-year-old Sam. Margaret says exposing her children to various types of diversity and teaching them to embrace difference always has been important to her family. Those values influenced their decision to live in a downtown area rather than the suburbs.

"I think the more diverse people children see, the more families of different religious and economic backgrounds they are able to come in contact with, [the more] they are able to understand the world," says Margaret, who identifies her family as white. "It's a work in progress, but we've tried to immerse our kids in different cultures, from the events we attend to the materials we bring into our house. We try to make sure all of it reflects the different things so many different people have contributed to our world."

Margaret admits such exposure has recently led to some interesting questions and comments from Sam.

"We were sitting in front of our house one day when two African American men walked by, and Sam said, 'Mom, have you noticed how black people look tough?'" Margaret says she first asked Sam what he meant by the statement and then talked to him about appearance, explaining that the way people treat others is far more important than the way they look on the outside.

Margaret believes it's vital for parents and schools to work together when it comes to teaching children to embrace difference. She serves on the diversity committee at the Montessori school Sam attends. "It's definitely a shared thing. I think parents and teachers have to see the whole education of children as a collaboration. Neither can do it alone," she says. "I know my son's teachers see him in social situations more than I do; they see him interact in broader social groups. It's important to me that his school and the curriculum they use include teaching respect for difference in an organic, sweeping way — not a tokenizing way as in 'Here's our look at xyz culture.'"

'My Kids Were Afraid'

Karan Samuels is a 47-year-old divorced mother of eight children, including 12-year-old twins Ari and Ariel. She identifies as white and Cherokee Indian. Her ex-husband, the children's father, is African American.

While Karan sees her family's heritage as rich and diverse, it has caused problems for her children in their small, predominantly white town of Newville, Penn. Karan says her children have been threatened and harassed at school and frequently called racial slurs, and her family has received threats of a cross-burning in their yard.

"Every day, my kids were coming home telling me that kids called them stupid N-word, and harassed them about being biracial," Karan says. "The harassment made them not want to participate in activities that other kids take part in; my kids were afraid. It makes me angry to know that they have had to experience that."

Dissatisfied with the public middle school's response to the harassment, Karan has recently enrolled her children in a nearby private boarding school with a very diverse student population. There, she says, her children are blooming.

Karan says she believes schools and parents have to work together to ensure other kids don't have to experience the harassment her kids have endured. "There has to be less acceptance of the racism, less (acceptance) of the bullying in schools," she says. "And parents have to lead by example."

Even though her children have been targets of racism and prejudice, Karan says she doesn't believe their self-images have been diminished. "In my home, I've always made sure (my children) had multicultural books and toys and talked to them about their heritage so they can be proud of who they are. I think it's that kind of foundation that's helped them to still be proud even when others don't treat them with respect and kindness."

'Who Would Do That?'

Loel and Anna Solomon, both 41, live in Alameda, Calif., and are the parents of two children. Both work in the public health industry and grew up in what they describe as progressive Jewish families in Southern California where respect for other backgrounds, cultures and lifestyles was an important value. They believe those values now play a key role in how they raise their own children, especially their 8-year-old son, Eli, whom they describe as a boy who "doesn't fit the typical gender mold."

"Eli has a very strong interest in imaginary play acting. He does not like sports, as many of the boys in his class do, and most of his friends are girls," Loel says. "He's also very, very tall and big for his age, and on top of that, he is a Jewish kid in a not very Jewish community. Those things have been alienating for him in many ways."

For Eli, the alienation started early. "He was mercilessly teased in kindergarten for wearing purple socks to school. The kids told him, 'Purple socks are for girls,'" Anna says. "That was a big wake-up call for me, because we have always raised our son and daughter to have both the doll house and the truck. We've been careful not to limit our kids with gender stereotypes, but that also can make them vulnerable to ridicule."

In addition, both parents say they are careful to use language that doesn't assume heterosexuality when talking about their children's futures, which they admit sometimes raises the eyebrows of other parents. "The kids know from how we have framed the possibilities that they have a chance of loving a man or a woman, and we would be happy for them either way," says Loel.

Aside from facing ridicule for not fitting the typical boy mold, Eli also experienced the sting of alienation because of his Jewish heritage. One day he arrived to find an 18-inch swastika painted across the mural in front of his school.

"He knew what a swastika was," Anna says. "It was a hurtful experience for him. He kept asking, 'Who would do that?'"

Anna describes the swastika incident as an important lesson for their family. "We learned how hard it can be to deal with the school on an issue like this; there were those who told us it wasn't a big deal," she says. "We also learned that you can't always protect your kids from hate, no matter how hard you try. That's why it's so important to talk to them about it, to prepare them for it if it happens."

 

'Why Did That Girl Say That to Me?'

Yolanda Abel is a 41-year-old college professor and a single parent of a 12-year-old daughter, Akila. Yolanda, who identifies as African American, teaches human learning and diversity at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore, Md. She says conversations about difference have always been a part of parenting Akila - some more difficult than others.

"When my child was about 4 years old, we were walking down the street together, and a woman and girl who appeared to be black were walking in the opposite direction, toward us," Yolanda says. "The child looked at my daughter and called her a nigger."

Yolanda says even though her daughter had never heard the slur before and didn't know what it meant, she knew from the girl's tone and facial expression that it was a bad thing. Yolanda says Akila looked confused, asking, "Why did that girl say that to me?"

Yolanda used the moment to talk to Akila about the slur, its history and impact on people of color. She says many other issues have come up over the years, leading to ongoing conversations with Akila about everything from same-sex relationships to misogynistic music lyrics to gender roles and stereotypes.

Yolanda says the elementary years and influences of other children have brought with them many questions and comments that have sometimes surprised her.

"Akila came home from school one day and asked me when I'm going to get married," Yolanda says. "I told her, joking, 'I'm going to marry you.' She looked at me and said, 'Girls can't marry each other.'" Yolanda says she took the opportunity to explain to Akila that sometimes people do fall in love with people who are the same sex. She also says she talked to her about the fact that it's OK not to marry.

Yolanda says now that Akila is older, the conversations are far more sophisticated. In fact, Akila sometimes sits in on Yolanda's diversity and human learning classes at the university.

"By virtue of what I do for a living, she has been exposed to many viewpoints on topics like diversity, race and stereotypes. She has formed some strong opinions of her own on some of those issues," Yolanda says. "I always try to be honest and forthright with her, no matter what she asks me. My hope is that I'm teaching her to know that she is an intelligent, beautiful and spiritually divine person. I think when you're able to love and accept yourself as a good and decent human being, you can love and accept others."

Common questions about youth and prejudice

Kevin Swick, a professor of early childhood education at the University of South Carolina, Columbia, [1] and Roni Leiderman, associate dean of the Mailman Segal Institute for Early Childhood Studies at Nova Southeastern University [2] in Fort Lauderdale, Fla., offer answers to some common questions about youth and prejudice.

What are the common issues related to prejudice and tolerance that arise during the elementary and preteen years?

Leiderman: Children are very aware of belonging or not belonging to the group at this age. Peer relationships are paramount to them, and you'll either see embracing of difference or separation and discrimination coming in at this point, depending on what they've been taught in the home. These are the years when you'll either see the fruits of your labor or the negative aspects of what you did or did not do during the preschool years.

Swick: This is the time when children want to compare themselves to others - body size, appearance, ability. It's a time when they are looking to feel accepted and to be a positive part of their peer group or community.

Where does the most influence upon children of this age come from regarding the development of prejudice and bias?

Leiderman: Parents are the first and most important and influential teacher at this age. What you allow them to read, watch, see and hear layers their foundation with all sorts of information that will help form their responses to difference. If they attend a school that lacks diversity, if they watch TV shows that paint stereotypical pictures of certain groups, if they visit websites that use slurs and putdowns to describe people - all of these influences inform children's responses to other people.

In many ways, schools are more segregated today than in past decades, and residential segregation is a fact of life in many areas. How can parents foster respect for differences even when the school environment lacks diversity?

Leiderman: Parents have to make an effort to get kids involved in activities outside the school walls that will give them a different experience. You can be deliberate about the sports clubs you sign up for. Getting kids involved in the arts is a good way to expose them to people from different backgrounds, where they get to interact around something they love to do and see that we all share strengths and talents. You can send them to summer camps where they'll come across other kids from diverse backgrounds. And parents should keep in mind that elementary school is not too young for kids to volunteer. Volunteer experiences are a good way to help kids understand the value of everyone.

Swick: There are so many ways to involve children in activities where they have an opportunity to interact with people who aren't necessarily like them. Parents can arrange for children to do service through their church. They can purposely get them and their friends involved in service activities with people from different parts of the community. We cannot limit kids' exposure to diversity to just the school day.

Many believe that teaching tolerance is the job of white parents, while the job of parents of color is to prepare their children for intolerance. Are the responsibilities different for white parents vs. parents of color?

Leiderman: To believe that is to believe that prejudice and discrimination only involve race and ethnicity, when in fact, those issues are only the tip of the iceberg. It also assumes that only white parents are capable of raising children who may be guilty of prejudice, when, really, we all share that capacity. When you limit the discussion to just issues of race, you are cutting out 50 percent of the conversation.

Swick: The responsibilities run across the board for both white parents and non-white parents. All parents need to prepare kids for intolerance, and all parents need to prepare kids for being appreciative of other people. Prejudice works many different ways, and everybody has experienced this to some degree, so all parents need to be prepared to address it.

Teachers often say parents are one of the biggest challenges they face when attempting to incorporate anti-bias lessons in the classroom. Why are so many parents reluctant to allow schools to address these issues?

Leiderman: Often the reason is fear or deep-rooted experiences with discrimination. Many parents know these lessons will bring about all kinds of questions from their children about some issues they may be uncomfortable discussing. Some of the questions their children will ask might be painful to answer. This is why teachers have to work to educate families, too. This work can't be done in isolation; it requires an open dialogue among teachers and parents.

While many parents are well aware of the need to talk to elementary and preteen children about issues such as drugs, alcohol use, smoking and safe sex practices, it seems talking to kids about the dangers of prejudice is not always as high on parents' radars. Should it be?

Leiderman: Often in seminars or workshops, I ask parents, "What do you want your child to be?" I'll get one or two who say a doctor or a lawyer, but for most parents, the answer is happy. The real essence is if you want to raise children who are happy, who form quality relationships in their lives, who are successful in their careers and who are good partners and good parents, you have to discuss these issues with your kids.

Swick: These issues have to be on parents' radars. They are what's killing us. And it's a problem even bigger than drugs or alcohol. All over the world, we are killing each other because we don't know how to value each other's differences. Discussing these issues with kids has to be a priority, and the earlier the better.

Principles to remember with children ages 6-12

1. Model it. Talking to your child about the importance of embracing difference and treating others with respect is essential, but it's not enough. Your actions, both subtle and overt, are what she will emulate.


2. Acknowledge difference. Rather than teaching children that we are all the same, acknowledge the many ways people are different, and emphasize some of the positive aspects of our differences – language diversity and various music and cooking styles, for example. Likewise, be honest about instances, historical and current, when people have been mistreated because of their differences. Encourage your child to talk about what makes him different, and discuss ways that may have helped or hurt him at times. After that, finding similarities becomes even more powerful, creating a sense of common ground.


3. Challenge intolerance. If your child says or does something indicating bias or prejudice, don't meet the action with silence. Silence indicates acceptance, and a simple command – "Don't say that" – is not enough. First try to find the root of the action or comment: "What made you say that about Sam?" Then, explain why the action or comment was unacceptable.


4. Seize teachable moments. Look for everyday activities that can serve as springboards for discussion. School-age children respond better to lessons that involve real-life examples than to artificial or staged discussions about issues. For example, if you're watching TV together, talk about why certain groups often are portrayed in stereotypical roles.


5. Emphasize the positive. Just as you should challenge your child's actions if they indicate bias or prejudice, it's important to praise him for behavior that shows respect and empathy for others. Catch your child treating people kindly, let her know you noticed and discuss why it's a desirable behavior.