'Another Teachable Moment'

Cindy Hilbinger is an ESL teacher at an elementary school in Greensboro, N.C., and the mother of a 13-year-old daughter, Katie Bess. Cindy, who is white, spent her childhood in an Air Force family, exposed to different people in different countries and cultures. She says her husband, though not from a military family, grew up much the same way, in a home that stressed the importance of accepting diversity.

"We have tried to pass those values on to our daughter," Cindy says, adding that the family made a conscious choice to purchase a home in an area that was more racially diverse than other areas they considered. "We wanted to give her the chance to interact with different people, to go to school and have friends from all different races and backgrounds."

Frank discussions about everything from racial discrimination to white privilege to demeaning music lyrics have been an important part of Katie Bess' upbringing. Cindy says those discussions have become so familiar to Katie Bess that she often knowingly looks at her before a conversation and says, "I know, Mom, another teachable moment." Though Katie Bess jokes about such moments, Cindy believes they have encouraged her daughter to think more critically.

Those "teachable moments" crop up often in everyday situations. Sometimes it may be a news report that sparks a conversation. "I've talked a lot about the immigration issue - it's personal to me because I work with a lot of immigrant students. I talk to Katie Bess about some of the rhetoric we hear in the news and about why people have certain attitudes about immigration. I hope in doing that, she'll be less likely to believe everything she hears or to have a negative view of immigrants."

Other times, it's not a news story but something as common as a shopping trip that brings up an important conversation. Cindy describes a recent trip with a close friend, an African American woman with twin daughters. "I was carrying one of the babies while my friend had gone someplace else with the other one. I noticed that people stared, some of them looked like they were trying to figure out what I was doing with this black child; others gave disapproving looks," she says. "One woman gave this noticeable look of relief when my friend walked back around the corner with the other baby and came over beside me. It was as though she was saying to herself, 'Thank goodness.'"

Cindy believes it's the job of every parent to teach children about respecting and accepting others. "It's important for Katie Bess to know there are people out there who will look at a person differently just because they are holding a child of another race. And it's important for her to know that is wrong."

'Speak Up, Even If Your Voice Shakes'

Patricia Beede of Rhode Island is an attorney and advocate for children in state care. She also is the single mother of a 13-year-old daughter, Nicole. The family has been dealing with issues of prejudice and bias since Nicole was only one month old, the age at which Patricia adopted her. Patricia is white, and her daughter is African American.

"There have always been the moments I've walked into the room, in a classroom or some other place, and people are surprised because they expect me to be the same color as her," Patricia says. "And then there are the times when a friend will say to Nicole, 'I don't want to hurt your feelings, but are you adopted?'" No matter the intention, those questions do hurt Nicole's feelings, says Patricia. "And there are these assumptions always, like when they do the family tree assignments in school. Having your biological mom is only one of the ways to be (raised), and being adopted is nothing to have to apologize for."

As a white parent of a child of color, Patricia says she has tried to immerse Nicole in various ethnic cultures and taken steps to make sure that Nicole knows and is proud of her heritage. Still, she worries.

"I think I can protect her from racism because I'm this white parent who is vocal in the community and in the school. But I know there is a place where she'll [experience racism], and I won't be around to do anything about it."

Preparing Nicole for those moments is something Patricia says she has tried to do since Nicole was a small child. "Because of what I do for a living, she has been around a lot: She's been to the Christmas parties in the homeless shelter, she's seen the kids who are neglected or abused and who don't have anyone to care for them, the people society looks down on," Patricia says. "I've always thought if you can expose a child to real people, the labels fall off."

A recent incident, Patricia says, proves it may have worked. "I was driving Nicole and some of her friends around. We had passed by a group home, and Nicole's best friend said, in kind of a mocking way, 'That's where those group home girls live.'" Right away, Patricia says, Nicole spoke up, telling her friend, "There's no such thing as 'group home girls'," explaining that those who live in group homes aren't responsible for their situations and that living in a group home doesn't define them.

"I was proud of her," Patricia says. "I once bought her a button that says, 'Speak up, even if your voice shakes.' She put that button on, and I can honestly say that I believe that's how she tries to live her life. She gets it, I think."

'We All Have a Responsibility'

Susan Gordon Ryan of New York is a 56-year-old mother of two teenagers, a 13-year-old daughter, Taylor, and an 18-year-old son, Shayne. As vice president of development for a nonprofit organization dedicated to serving and empowering people with disabilities - and as a survivor of childhood polio who lives with several residual effects from the disease -Susan has strong beliefs about what and how children should be taught about differences.

"I really think a lot of tolerance education is done by example," Susan says. "Growing up with a disability, I saw that a lot of it has to do with educating both the children and adults who are around about what it means to be different. Barriers are broken when we are introduced to people who aren't just like us."

In many ways, Susan says, children pick up cues from parents about how to respond to differences. "If a child comes over and asks a question about someone's disability, you should answer," she says. "There is a purity about children when they're open to asking questions. A lot of parents will discourage it, but it shouldn't be discouraged. Children aren't asking in a cruel sense, and there is nothing wrong with honest questions."

At times, Susan has had to remind her own children that it's OK to ask questions. She remembers a few years ago when her daughter came home from school and was upset because a classmate asked a question about the crutch Susan uses to walk. "My daughter burst into tears, saying, 'I don't want them to call you disabled or talk about your crutch,'" Susan recalls. "I let her know it was all right for her classmates to make those comments, and I tried to help her feel more comfortable responding by reassuring her that her friends were just being curious."

Susan believes real acceptance comes with familiarity and has seen evidence of that belief in her two children. "I think it was inherent for them," she says of Taylor and Shayne. "I think there is a certain sensitivity and awareness that comes along with having a parent who has a disability, and that sensitivity and awareness goes beyond me or what I need done. They have always been good about helping others, too. And they have always been good about recognizing unfairness and injustice and wanting to do something about it."

Susan's son, Shayne, is entering his freshman year in college and has chosen special education as his major. Her daughter, Taylor, now volunteers for a local toy-lending library for children with disabilities.

Instilling the desire to accept and help others is something every parent can do, Susan says. "It's in the example that we set for our children. No matter who we are, what we look like or what our experiences are, we all have a responsibility to teach tolerance."

Parenting, teen development and prejudice

Constance A. Flanagan, a professor of youth civic development at Pennsylvania State University; [1] Marvin Megibow, a clinical psychologist and professor (emeritus) of psychology at California State University, Chico; [2] Lois Christensen, associate professor of curriculum and instruction at the University of Alabama, Birmingham; [3] and Cynthia Garcia Coll, professor of education, psychology and pediatrics at Brown University, [4] answer questions about parenting, teen development and prejudice.

What are the most common behaviors and problems related to prejudice, discrimination and tolerance that arise during the teen years?

Flanagan: Teens are keenly aware of social status and group membership and of the ranking of social groups. This allows them to also be more aware of the perspective of "the other." They are able to empathize more and have a better understanding of the poor, the dispossessed, etc., because they are so emotionally sensitive to feeling excluded themselves. Because they get those concepts, this is a good time for parents to continue lessons about valuing difference and to encourage them to get involved with projects that help them become more civically engaged.

Megibow: The issue of identity comes up a lot during this period. (Teens) tend to be trying to find their way and develop their own personal identities, which sometimes can be threatened by any sense of difference. The teen peer culture contributes to finding ways of putting people down because of difference; and by this period, teens have either learned from home or from our society to put people down because of difference, or embrace it.

Coll: First, there is more discrimination felt during these years, often from adults in power positions - police, teachers, storekeepers. Teenagers have bigger bodies, they dress differently, they are closer to adulthood and are now seen as more of a threat than when they were younger. In many ways our society views adolescents as dangerous.

When you add gender, race and ethnicity in the equation, it's even worse, because those teenagers may now experience overt discrimination that they might not have experienced before. The second issue is that teenagers are dealing with intimate, amorous relationships, and while some parents may have been very comfortable allowing their kids to play with kids of different races and backgrounds, they might now be uncomfortable with it.

Experts stress how important it is for parents to teach kids about valuing difference in the early years. Are the teen years too late to teach these lessons?

Christensen: Because of the everyday situations that come up in life, there will always be moments to teach such lessons. Hurricane Katrina is an excellent example. It provided so many examples of the vast differences in our society because it was so easy to see who seemed to matter and who did not seem to matter, who had and who didn't have. Teenagers are able to grasp those kinds of complex issues better than younger children, and parents can use those issues to get across their own values and opinions and get teenagers to open up and talk about theirs.

Flanagan: It's never too late. Lessons come up all the time; they can come up in families. There may be older members of families, for instance, and teenagers hear or witness prejudices among those people. That's the time for parents to call those relatives on it and teach their teenagers to be brave enough not to be bystanders. It's so easy to raise issues of exclusion in this country - they're in the news all the time, so there are always opportunities for parents to bring them up with their kids.

Self-segregation can be a common phenomenon among teens. Should parents be concerned about it? What can parents do to encourage teens to widen their circle of friends?

Megibow: Kids are always going to try to be at a maximum comfort level. When seeking and learning about their own identity, it's normal for teenagers to seek out certain characteristics in others that make them feel more comfortable with their identity. That is often found in the people who are most like them. It's not really something parents need to be concerned about, as long as there are other opportunities for the child to associate with people outside of that comfort zone in church groups or in the neighborhood or other social activities.

Coll: I think parents should recognize that teenagers, like all humans, find a certain sense of comfort in being around people who are like them. That does tend to happen with teens in schools. Parents have to know that it happens and then think about extracurricular activities, summer programs, vacations, as ways to help make kids more comfortable crossing cultural and group lines. And parents have to make those choices in their own lives, too, and find ways to widen their own friendship circles.

Flanagan: There are lots of other good mechanisms for teens to meet others and for parents to encourage inter-group relations. Service learning and volunteering in the community are examples, but that is an area where you have to be careful not to reinforce some of the stereotypes about different groups. For example, when all the kids of privilege go to work in communities that aren't [privileged], that can sometimes reinforce stereotypes. It's important to look for ways for kids to have those opportunities while working alongside different groups of people, not going to volunteer for those people.

It's a common belief that teenagers don't talk to parents very much, choosing instead to talk to peers. How, then, can parents get teenagers to open up and discuss issues of tolerance, prejudice and discrimination?

Christensen: Kids of all ages, but especially teenagers, relate very well to inquiry. Parents can ask kids what they think about certain issues and let them answer, really making an effort to respect their views even if they don't always agree. But another way to get kids talking is to provide opportunities for them to talk. If we know that kids are comfortable talking to peers, let's bring them together in diverse groups, let's encourage them to talk about these kinds of issues and share what they think about solving problems.

Megibow: Broadly speaking, parents should make themselves available for such conversations and make sure the kids know they are available to talk about any subject. And parents should be careful not to always take one-word answers as sufficient. Don't stop at the "nothin'" - try to probe deeper. Also, parents can create situations in the family for people to come together - mealtime, leisure activities. Those are the moments where conversations happen naturally, and teenagers are less likely to feel like they are being put on the spot or questioned.

Coll: I think the notion that teens don't like to talk to parents is a little exaggerated. Yes, there are times when they don't want to talk, but then there are times when they can't wait to talk. What parents can do is keep talking, keep [instilling] the values and even more importantly, make sure that if you do the talk, you also walk the walk. With preschoolers and younger kids, parents might be able to get away with the "do as I say and not as I do," but teenagers won't live with that contradiction. If you are talking to teenagers about how and why they should practice values of tolerance and embrace difference, and you're not doing that in your actions, they will reject those messages from you.

Principles to remember with teens

1. Keep talking. Many believe the last thing teens are interested in is having a conversation with parents. But even if your teen doesn't initiate conversations about issues of difference, find ways to bring those topics up with them. Use current issues from the news, such as the immigration debate or same-sex marriage, as a springboard for discussion. Ask your teen what she thinks about the issues.


2. Stay involved. Messages about differences exist all around your teen: the Internet, songs, music videos, reality shows, ads and commercials, social cliques at school. Know the websites your teen enjoys visiting; take time to listen to or watch the music and shows they enjoy. Then discuss the messages they send. Ask your teen about the group or groups she most identifies with at school. Discuss the labels or stereotypes that are associated with such groups.


3. Live congruently. Discussing the importance of valuing difference is essential, but modeling this message is even more vital. Evaluate your own circle of friends or the beliefs you hold about certain groups of people. Do your actions match the values you discuss with your teen? Teens are more likely to be influenced by what you do than what you say, so it's important for your words and behaviors to be congruent.


4. Broaden opportunities. It may be natural for teens to stick to groups they feel most comfortable with during the school day. These often are the people they identify as being most like themselves. Provide other opportunities for your teen to interact with peers from different backgrounds. Suggest volunteer, extracurricular, worship and work opportunities that will broaden your teen's social circle.


5. Encourage activism. Promote ways for your teen to get involved in causes he cares about. No place for him to hang out with friends? Encourage him to get together with peers to lobby city officials for a teen social center or skate park. Upset about discriminatory treatment of teenagers by a storekeeper or business? Give your teen suggestions for writing a letter of complaint or planning a boycott. When young people know they have a voice in their community, they are empowered to help resolve issues of injustice.