How do parents' own biases impact their children?

Kerby T. Alvy, founder and executive director of the California-based Center for the Improvement of Child Caring, [1] answers questions about how parents' biases and experiences with discrimination affect the raising of their children, and why, when it comes to bias, self-reflection is an important parenting responsibility.

How do parents' own biases impact their children?

Alvy: Much of the time this occurs unconsciously. Parents, in their own behavior - especially facial expressions and posture and body language - convey a lot that kids see. Other times, it can be more obvious, when parents actually talk about their biases out loud. Parents may tell children they don't want them associating with a certain group of people. For some, prejudice can be a family value.

There are also times when parents participate in ethnic self-disparagement. That happens often in groups where negative attitudes from society have affected the way people see and feel about themselves. Parents sometimes perpetuate those attitudes with their children. You see this, for example, in an African American family that looks down upon being "too dark." It is possible to have prejudice against your own.

What happens when parents are not on the same page about what to teach their children about respect for differences?

Alvy: Because bias is learned within the context of intimacy - family relationships are intimate relationships - children can feel some loyalty to uphold negative attitudes if these are the attitudes that even one parent conveys. When parents have different attitudes, those mixed messages put the child in a difficult position. It's important that parents are united about how they want their children to feel about other people and how they want them to think about differences.

Reflecting upon personal bias can mean admitting or acknowledging shortcomings - and admitting that you need help to address those issues. Is this a difficult thing to get parents to do?

Alvy: I think parents in general are interested in being educated. They already have made this commitment to bring up another human. Sometimes that involves training. I believe training is something that parents deserve - it's their right. And it isn't just something for those who are having trouble. It's for all of us.

I think that when you approach it from the view that education and training are what parents need and deserve and not something that is needed because parents have somehow gone wrong, parents are more open to doing the work.

It is honorable for parents to acknowledge that they have bias, and this is not something to be ashamed of. We are all products of this marvelous society; we are products of what we learned as just little kids, before we developed critical faculties. It is impossible for anyone to have been brought up in the United States without having been influenced by racist attitudes and practices.

Parents should not blame themselves but rather accept that fact as the baseline and then be vigilant about always asking ourselves if we are coming from a place of racism or stereotyping. Doing that and asking those questions takes work from all of us.

How can parents be encouraged to address and assess their own biases? What benefits can they expect from doing that work?

Alvy: I believe the biggest challenge of humankind is the ability to accept difference. We need to let parents know that this is a very important issue, even more in our time today than in previous times, as the world and as our cities become more pluralistic.

It's something parents need to be aware of for humanitarian and practical reasons. Most kids are going to school with people from different backgrounds. And for those who are not, for those who are in segregated areas, it's even more important to highlight the issue of out-group relationships.

Parents have to know that it is very important for kids to get along for their own educational advancement. Also, today's workplace is a pluralistic workplace. No matter what our jobs are, we will find ourselves working with people from all different backgrounds. Group work and group decision-making also are an important part of today's workplace. We have to know how to interact with all kinds of people for that to work.

The bottom line is that we as parents should recognize that it is educationally practical and economically practical to lay a foundation for acceptance and tolerance.