Printer-friendly versionPrompted by school prevention programs or just urgent, spontaneous discomfort, students sometimes confide their stories of dating abuse to teachers and counselors. Although this can be a tricky scenario for the listener, it also offers a chance to be of great help, say veteran educators.
Many times it’s verbal abuse that can demolish a teen’s self-esteem and precede violence or sexual assault. “I listen, I just listen,” says Kristi McKenney, a ninth-grade health teacher in Milford, Ohio. “So many don’t feel they have someone to talk to.” Although she urges kids to see the school counselor, some resist. Often, though, they return and say, “I need help,” because, she believes, they felt listened to earlier.
Students who have been sexually abused or beaten by partners “need to understand they’re not at fault, they’re not being judged. When they’re confiding in you is not the time to say, ‘Oh, you shouldn’t have,’ because it only makes them feel worse,” notes Angelica Ferreras, counselor at the Bronx School of Science Inquiry and Investigation, a middle school in New York City.
Kids often think they’re the only ones this has happened to and fear sticking out as a weirdo—anathema to adolescents. So it’s good to let them know that other teens have been through this experience, suggests Katie Eklund, a school psychologist in Colorado Springs, Colo.
Tammy Hall, a recently retired Ohio health teacher, has listened to boys who were physically assaulted by jealous girlfriends. “No matter what they say, you can’t act shocked because then you’ve lost them,” she says. “It’s harder for guys to admit it because they’re supposed to be macho.”
In cases of potentially serious abuse, it’s best to set the boundaries of confidentiality early on. Counselors typically offer students confidential support but let them know that if they’re in danger of hurting themselves or others, or being hurt, there is a duty to report what students tell. Sometimes kids pull back if they hear their parents or even police will be told. But when teens reach the point of disclosure, many counselors agree with Eklund: “It’s a cry for help, and they really want protection; they want adults to know.”
Specific legal mandates on reporting abuse vary by state, so school employees should know how their state's laws apply to disclosures about dating abuse, suggests Tonya Turner, senior staff attorney at nonprofit Break the Cycle in Los Angeles.
If teens make serious accusations against a classmate, counselors often call in the other student to gain his or her perspective. Parents are called in early too.
Some schools have “stay away” policies that require abusive students to keep a certain distance from victims — they’re not put in the same classes or assigned nearby lockers, for example. “It can protect kids and help them move on from abusive relationships,” says Barri Rosenbluth, program director at Expect Respect in Austin, Texas, which provides school prevention and counseling services on dating abuse.
Who’s Abused
One in 10 adolescents say they’ve been the victim of physical dating violence,
according to the CDC.
Discuss
Start talking about healthy
relationships early. More than 70 percent of eighth- and ninth-graders say they are already dating.
