Printer-friendly version“But nobody here listens to me,” Saul lamented as he tried to explain why he was in my office yet again this week. “I don’t know why I even bother to come here.” His refrain is a familiar one in my large, suburban high school. I have a feeling it’s a familiar one in high schools across the country. Our kids are crying out to be heard, and unfortunately, those cries often result in disciplinary referrals.
Saul is in my office this morning because he swore at one of our security guards when asked for a hall pass. According to my discipline matrix, I am supposed to suspend him for using defiant language toward an adult. So I begin filling out the paperwork, which agitates Saul even further. He stands up and yells, “I just wanna graduate. Why can’t everyone leave me alone?” Saul lets loose with another expletive.
I now have a choice. I can escalate the situation by reacting to his behavior and tacking on another day of suspension, or I can try to do what he asks and listen. I take a deep breath as I sit back and ask him to tell me the whole story. He eyes me suspiciously as he sits down. This is a kid who isn’t used to being heard. I can tell he is weighing whether or not he can trust me as he begins his story.
It turns out that Saul found out this morning his math grade was low enough to put graduation in jeopardy. This is a very big deal because Saul has been working long and hard to be the first in his family to graduate from high school. He had just stepped out of his math class to cool off when the security guard asked him to go back to class. When Saul refused to go, the guard made a sarcastic comment about Saul’s scholastic ability. Saul blew up. “I tried to tell him I couldn’t go back to class yet, but he wouldn’t listen.”
This is my first year as an administrator, and the biggest adjustment to the job has been my surprise at the sheer number of students who are sent to my office because of situations just like Saul’s.
It would have been easy for me to add an additional day to Saul’s suspension and send him on his way. But perhaps that would have resulted in an already borderline kid deciding to give up on school. Saul is close enough and determined enough (I hope) to graduate. But what about all of the other students who show up in my office? Will I have the courage and patience to listen to them? Will the other adults in my building?
I hope so. I hope we can all take a deep breath and listen.
Ryan Fear is a high school dean of students in Oregon.
Comments
It's important to listen to
It's important to listen to students and make exceptions when appropriate. The tricky part is balancing. If we make too many exceptions, we undermine our authority and jeopardize school culture. I commend you for being an administrator, and a good one, it sounds like. That is a tightrope walk I don't think I could manage!
Your security guard was in
Your security guard was in the wrong. Your student stepped out of class so as to deal with his anger in a healthy, non-disruptive manner. That was an adult decision that should be commended, respected and allowed. The security guard felt threatened and decided to assert his authority by pushing this kid around. Sounds like a bit of a bully. I certainly have no respect for bullies of any age, and I would take a long, hard look at whether it's "authority" or respect that keeps a school running smoothly and meeting its (ostensible) mission of cultivating informed and engaged citizens. We're not talking about a military barracks here.
There's a contradiction between the expectations we put on high school students and the ways we control their behavior. You expect adult behavior and priorities from your students, but don't grant them the freedom to exercise adult choices, and thus give them no chance to demonstrate behavior worthy of adult respect. Would you suspend an adult staff person for swearing? Unless it were a case of verbal/emotional abuse, I certainly hope not! Blowing off steam with an epithet or two (usually not even directed at anyone) is something people do under pressure, and a boss who can't handle that fact needs better training in managing people.
Your authority should be secure enough to handle the situation you describe in the way that you did *every single time it happens.* Authority in a school should derive from earned respect rather than the fact of your office, and it should be rock-solid enough that it can only be strengthened if you have the will to address each situation appropriately instead of applying cookie-cutter sanctions to every person who transgresses the letter of the school code. The problem isn't that this kid is swearing at a security guard; the problem is that this kid has been trying his damnedest to graduate and hasn't been provided enough support from the school. Suspending him doesn't address this lack; rather, it exacerbates it.
If you complained to your mobile phone provider because of dropped calls and poor service, would they punish you for your impertinence with a higher bill, or would they try to address the problem and prevent it from happening again, and give you a refund in the meantime?
Your story speaks to the
Your story speaks to the importance of ALL adults in the building having a consistent respectful approach to interacting with students. Creating such a respectful school environment doesn't happen by chance. It requires courageous leaders to begin that conversation and to model respectful interactions with students as you did.
Thanks for sharing this
Thanks for sharing this touching story and reminder about the importance of listening. In addition to taking a deep breath and making time to listen, you also made me think about how important it is to drop our assumptions and preconceived notions about children. To truly listen well, we have to hear what students have to say with an open heart and mind. As a teacher of young children, I think those qualities are especially important. Our students are not always as articulate as the one you described in telling us why they did what they did. But, if we assume the best about a child and then take the time to explore a situation and listen, we often can figure out what is truly going on, as you did in this instance.
Do you remember the scene in
Do you remember the scene in The Breakfast Club where Judd Nelson gets into a contest of wills with the Saturday detention teacher? "You've got another Saturday!" "Fine" "And another!" "Who cares!" "That's another!" Your situation could easily have gone that way, with Saul escalating and you retaliating in kind. It takes incredible patience, self-control, and maturity to react as the grown-up in these situations (unlike the security guard in your story).
You bring up a great point. How often do we really listen to students, especially boys, when they are having a rough time? I experienced many such challenges when teaching third, fourth, and fifth grades as well. I remember one boy in particular was was facing expulsion from his school bus because of explosive outbursts. When I took the time to listen to him about what was going on, I found out that there was a younger student who could rial him up (while flying under the radar). This second grader knew just what buttons to push to get my student to fly into a rage. Once I knew the problem behind the challenging behavior, we could start working out some possible solutions.
Thanks for reminding us all of the importance of listening to our students!